The genius of Madonna

Once again, a pop star has offered her wisdom to those of us who are incapable of independent thought. So, let all of us Red State morons open our minds for a moment and receive wisdom from this shining light with the oxymoronic name.

Speaking in her adoptive home country of the United Kingdom, the erstwhile slut-cum-children's book author wonders why we don't just pull our troops out of Iraq immediately.

When Madonna further observed, "We have people who don't want to think...", well, I think we in the red "neck" states knew exactly who she was talking about. Personally, I am blushing a bit here. I'm going to try to be more sensitive and thoughtful on this terrorism business from now on.

"My feelings are 'can we just all get out?'," she told BBC radio in a London interview.

"There's global terror everywhere and it's absurd to think you can get it by going to one country and dropping tons of bombs on innocent people", she continued.

It sort of reminds me of the insight of Rodney King, during the eponymous riots in Los Angeles. "Can't we just all get along?"

Why indeed? I thought we might ask Abu Musab al-Zarqawi what he thinks about it. As one of the leaders of those "innocent people", I was sure he would appreciate my concern.

Of course, we mindlessly call him a terrorist. By using such labels, we are really limiting our perception of his true, spiritual self. Well, I certainly don't want to do that. Perhaps a bit of "dialoguing" might help, I hallucinated inwardly. So I called him and asked for an interview.

He turns out to be a genuinely nice guy. Warm and sincere, in fact. And he really resents being called a "terrorist". True, he refers to the United States as "The Great Satan", but quickly adds, "Meant in the nicest possible way, of course."

"Labels mean nothing", he tossed out, as though it were a debate point. That phrase had a familiar ring. My curiosity piqued, I continued the conversation. Next, I asked him about 9-11 and the War on Terrorism.

"There is no terrorist threat... there is no terrorist threat...", he continued. Again, that familiar ring. This guy was sounding more American all the time. I wondered if he listens to Al Franken's radio show. Well, someone does.

Now I decided to explore his psyche a bit. Let's get to know the real al-Zarqawi, not the media image. Feeling a bit like Katie Couric, with all the perkiness-- but not the bad hair-- I plunged forward.

I figured he is probably just projecting his own fears and insecurities when he beheads people, so I asked, "How did it make you feel when you sawed your first head off?" I figured him for a big Katie and Matt fan.

Self-esteem is always a popular theme with liberals, so I knew I was on the right track. And I struck gold. It turns out al-Zarqawi is not bad at all. He's just misunderstood. Madonna was right.

"You know, I really do appreciate when you Americans stick your necks out for me", he replied.

I gulped, pondering the apparent Freudian slip.

But I really struck paydirt with this guy. He was sharing with me. We were dialoguing. I almost reached out to hug him, but there was that knife he was waving about. I did not want to risk him injuring himself, worrying he might not have health insurance. So I decided to just let him talk.

"If the evil American pig-eaters could just provide some better sanitation, things would be much better. That Nick Berg fellow really made a mess for us. Do you have any idea how long it takes to clean up after a beheading? And the germs-- who knows what diseases these Americans are carrying.

"I know we should take standard precautions when slicing through someone's neck, but latex gloves are just not in our tradition", he confided. "And there is that serious matter of latex allergies. It can cause some really nasty respiratory problems, you know."

I asked about Madonna's thesis: if we just pulled out, things would be better. He explained the dilemma this way:

"First off, your American whore Madonna. I doubt she has ever experienced 'pulling out'." Startled by the language, but admiring his candor, I decided to respect his ethnic values.

"We are victims here. You Americans worry so much about your measly 3,000 dead on 9-11. But don't forget, we lost 19 of our finest jihadists that day. Blood-soaked jihad is a very important part of our religion, and we are being denied our rights. We have rights, you know. We are just trying to practice our religion."

"And becoming a martyr. Everyone thinks it is so simple, all wine and virgins. Let me tell you about virgins. Imagine 72 middle-aged women with facial hair, still living with their mothers, all complaining at once. For eternity? Being a martyr is no picnic, you see. Believe me, if Allah was going to be kind to us, he would not give us the virgins. Send us Madonna and Britney."

Well, there you have the crux of the matter. We have to respect their traditions. Any liberal social engineer would be proud of me now.

And Madonna. Your fans beckon.